Image: Ministry of Funny Walks Tag, Graz / southtyrolean 
I’m currently working on a book (scheduled for release sometime in the 2010s) that intends to be an extension of my research in evolutionary anthropology and the history/philosophy of science. In the coming months I may be tempted to write more about it — and could be persuaded to publish short excerpts like Laelaps has been doing with his current opus — but I’m not quite ready for a grand unveiling.
However, I’m often amazed at the kinds of science related books that are commonly published (“related” being the word to emphasize). These books often get a wider distribution than titles that really delve into fascinating and important issues. So before I get into the book I’m writing I thought I might talk a little about the books I’m not writing, but perhaps should be.
First on my list would be tapping into that successful “The Science of . . .” brand of knock-off pop sci titles. Books like The Science of Star Wars or The Science of Supervillains are at least somewhat related to scientific concepts (supervillains often being mad scientists intent on world domination, most of whom choose Nature as their blog network of choice). But, some other recent titles stretch the concept to some pretty absurd dimensions. The Science of Harry Potter, for example, looks at how magic “really” works and even has a technical schematic of a flying broomstick on its cover. But my favorite of the absurd books in this genre would have to be The Physics of Christmas which looks at such concepts as, among other things, the aerodynamics of flying reindeer and the thermodynamics of turkey. (Hint: a two hour basting at 400 degrees apparently can’t be cut in half by setting the oven to 800.) So here is my contribution to this highly regarded series that is, apparently, easy to explain to publishers in just thirty words or less.
The Science of Monty Python
Just think about it, it could be brilliant! Consider this scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail:
Guard: Where’d you get the coconuts?
King Arthur: We found them.
Guard: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut’s tropical!
King Arthur: What do you mean?
Guard: Well this is a temperate zone!
King Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house marten or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land!
Guard: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
King Arthur: Not at all! They could be carried.
Guard: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
King Arthur: It could grip it by the husk!
Guard: It’s not a question of where he grips it! It’s a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut!
Of course we all know that, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second. But what is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? And does it matter if it’s an African or European swallow? These are vital questions that need to be resolved. Fortunately brilliant minds have been up to the task. As Jonathan Corum has cleverly deduced, there are only two swallows known as the African swallow and, as the comedic bards correctly referenced in their film, both are nonmigratory. When you consider the Strouhal Number in cruising flight and an average wingbeat amplitude for the European swallow of 24 cm, that means that the correct answer is 11 meters per second. But could a 5 oz. bird really carry a one pound coconut over such a considerable distance or would two swallows need to carry it together? Well, for that you’ll have to read the book.
Or consider this tantalizing tidbit of scientific wisdom that is a mere tossaway line in Holy Grail:
Sir Bedevere: And that, my liege, is how we know the earth to be banana shaped.
King Arthur: This new learning amazes me Sir Bedevere! Explain again how sheep’s bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
With evidence that the universe is actually ellipsoidal it is clear that the uniform magnetic field pervading the cosmos, or possibly a defect in the fabric of spacetime, could bring about a non-zero eccentricity resulting in a banana shaped planet. This may surprise those people who have actually witnessed the Earth as spherical, but that perception was merely an artifact resulting from photons warped under the force of gravity. As for the sheep’s bladders, well, that’s just common sense. Naturally I would jazz it up a bit with some exciting graphics (anyone know how to get in touch with Mr. Gilliam’s people?).
Later chapters in the book would discuss the quantum drive used by the space aliens in The Life of Brian as well as the wonders of the Roman aqueduct. Naturally there would have to be a chapter discussing sex. For that I would use all of the tact and sophistication that the Python team has been known for (with large opaque labels warning “Naughty Bits”).
I want to emphasize, of course, that this is a book I will not be writing (unless of course someone steals my idea and makes a ton of money off of it, in which case you will find yourself before a cloistered judge faster than you can say “No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!”). But please offer your suggestions for additional chapter ideas below.
Publishing agents can contact me at: primatediaries@gmail.com.
Last updated:
Friday, 17 Apr
2009 - 05:00 UTC
But, how do you know if the parrot is dead or not?
And of course I am interested in energetics of silly walks – perhaps one of them may be more energetically efficient than my usual skip-hop-twist-hophop-turnoaround-skoot?!
Schroedinger’s Parrot!
Chapter 4 ± 0.01 i
My brain hurts
But, how do you know if the parrot is dead or not?
Well, of course you can easily tell whether it’s dead or not, because in the second case its metabolic processes would be history.
I recall an episode in which the funniest joke ever told was used to kill the German soldiers and end the war. Do people really die laughing? Can hilarity provoke cardiac arrest? Do Germans have a sense of humor? All highly relevant areas for scientific investigation.
I should think an in-depth discussion of the kinesiology of ants that are missing one or more legs would be useful.
Also, some consideration of the bioenergetics and physical stresses acting on giant hedgehogs (possibly named Dinsdale) might be appropriate, as would a discussion of whether it’s actually possible to explode from overeating.
I would also really like to know out of what materials a bouncing replica of Queen Victoria should be made.
And finally, a great deal of attention could be paid to any number of aerodynamic questions as raised in the “Golden Age of Ballooning” sketch.
All of these seem terribly important somehow.
How would varying the circadian rhythm of lumberjacks affect their routine and habits otherwise conducive to their well-being? Is there an association between lumberjack-ing and a tendency to transvestism? Can lumberjacks parturiate?
Or a study of the microbiological fauna of Venezuelan beaver cheese, perhaps?
Another possibility might be an investigation of the hydrodynamic advantages of attaching fins and a beak to a llama.
Full of good ideas, me.
I thought the llama was just a goat with an aqualung.
I suggest a study of movement and gait disorders in upper-class twits. Could also compare the advantages of stamping huge lions vs. stamping them when they’re small.
All good points, Kristi.
A statistical model of the likelihood of a finite number of philosophers scoring a goal during a soccer game, with a thorough analysis of the vectors required in order to properly avoid the offside trap, seems warranted. Comparing the Greek and German groups would seem a prudent first step.
Oh well, someone had to do it, so here IT is:-
SELF BONUS POINT – I AM actually on-topic.
Less than half of those philosophers even have an S in them. I’m going to have to disqualify that last goal. But in exchange I will grant a song:
There’s nothing like contemplating your own insignificance to edify and inspire. Speaking of which, what are the current medical procedures involved in live organ transplants? I’m thinking about donating my liver.
I’d also like to know what the machine that goes “ping” does, and how it can be improved to make other noises.
That, and how best to reinforce the substrate of a swamp in order to build a castle, preferably out of asbestos.
/obscure
Don’t forget the analysis of the relative densities of wood, ducks, and witches. And the (possibly) miraculous nature of juniper berry development.
Frontiers in medicine: