1) How do I…?
2) I don’t know how…
3) That’s not my job…
4) I’m too busy…
5) But it’s nearly 5 O’clock
Things I fear hearing:
My chief programmer saying,
“I’ve been through our task list and designed a model for you. Looking at this you can see that based on our current team structure, rate of task completion and staffing levels, this will take approximately 1 year to complete.”
I fear this because I have been given a month to get said issue done…
the result of these verbal & cognitive ruminations:
the demands of management are inversly proportional to their levels of understanding of the underlying issues. A constant-value of 1/c needs to be factored in, which represents the standard level of understanding of any issue involving technology and how much it will be bullshitted about in any meeting held to discuss said issues just because someone learned a new word (i.e. Black Hat attack, White Hat attack, Back End (c.f. BackSide + giggling), UNIX Server, ODBC, data tunneling etc.)
Something I’m afraid of hearing:
“I think this’ll be a really good learning opportunity for you”
(It was, actually. Bloody hard work though).
Oooh, I hate that one too. So often it’s not a great learning experience though. It’s clearly one of the “hey, this is a shitty job, so you do it because you’re junior. That way, when you’re sneior, you can poop on people and feel good about it too!”
…sigh…
senior, obviously…
One thing I hate hearing:
“It does require that you complete an additional course”
I was suppose to be done taking those 2 years ago!!
Things I hate hearing:
People who ask questions that finish with the word ‘or’, as in
“Do you want to pull the flies’ legs off …. or ….?”
“Was that the time when you caught him fellating the armadillo … or …?”
“Shall we press the button marked 500000000 VOLTS HIGHLY DANGEROUS …. or….?”
Yes. Press the fucking button. PRESS IT!
“Excuse me, madam. Does this bus go to the station?”
I rather like that. It’s Maxine who hates that one.
Disagree on 1 and 2 – it’s good to ask questions and good to admit when you don’t know something. Mind you if you hear these phrases from the same student, all the time, it could become irritating…
I need to learn to say #4 more often…
I disagree with Stephen – I think 1 is great, 2 is annoying. The first one implies that someone is trying to actually learn how to do something new. The second sounds more like someone trying to get out of a task, or fob it off on someone else. Of course, that could be the case with the first question too, depending on how it’s asked and how much babysitting the person needs!
Re Question 1, I was thinking of those situations where some one has made little to no effort to solve the problem/issue themselves before fobbing you off with indolence. Generally, I love it when my staff and students ask questions because it shows they’re thinking. In general I have no tolerance for Question 2 under any circumstance. Tell me, “OK. I’ll look into that and get back to you”, or “OK, Let me research this…”. Don’t flat out give it the old, “waaah, I can’t…”.
@Caryn: When I started at PSU I raised such a fuss I got out of most of my coursework :) I bitched that I already had my BSc, so why was I doing more schoolwork. Naive, but effective for the most part. I got through grad school taking only two electives!
@HG: yeah, that’s the “…but I kinda wanna do something else though…so…” prevarication. Again, a bugbear of mine (I have many).
@RPG: I rapidly discovered that #3 & #4 are not in my job description!
@Richard: I need to learn to say #4 more often… when you start doing that, it’s the sign that you’ve become Important.
Ian, are you having fun in management yet? :)
One of my all-time favourites is any variation of
“Oh, I didn’t copy you/tell you because you don’t/didn’t need to know about that”. Usually uttered after it emerges that you actually did need to know.
I was going to make a comment about #4 but I’m too busy…
I’m not!
If you have a problem with I don’t know how… , just think of this dreaded alternative: I didn’t know how….SO INSTEAD I DID… (cue of ominous background music)
@Steffi: Lovin’ it :D I started putting “I expect to be CCd on all correspondance arising” on the end of some of my emails, to tyr and pre-empt that “oh…well, I tried to help…”
@Cristian: That is a truly frightening one mate. Especially when uttered by grad stdents standing near expensive equipment, or my girlfriend in the kitchen…
Ian, be careful with the CC requests, lest you initiate a culture of CCing everyone on every email, just to cover one’s behind…
Nah, it’s not that bad. My boss demands to be CCd on everything so she knows what’s going on (I comply 65% of the time). And I get auto-CCd by some folks just because I’m project manager/Chief Ops and I need to know what’s taking so damned long to something done (jk).
the aforementioned “you will CC me” is from a very specific example. A “clusterf**k”, I believe it’s known as, in technical terms.
Two more things I hate hearing.
1. (Noises off).
Huge crash. Sounds of smashing glass/rending of wood/squealing of cat/ broken bones (amend to taste)
Pregnant Pause.
“Daaaad…”
Huh, y’know, I’ve been wondering what “Noises Off” was for around 20 years now and I just found out
I find the same (for your former) with my cats. Frantic scrabbling, screaming, scratchng, a sudden crash, scrunch, splash…silence…then the kitten mewing…
“99 Saint George, 99 Saint George, Nine-nine Saint George”
[Eva will understand this one – 99 is Toronto subway-code for “technical difficulties at…”]
Also,
Do you have a moment?
usually spoken by (a) a postdoc, or (b) an employee seeking a pay raise.
Oh, that’s a good one. What’s the movie…
“Permission to speak freely, Sir?”
“In my experience, ‘permission to speak freely’ means permission to be insubordinate. Permission granted.”
I recoil from the sound of knocking at my door. It always means another thing to deal with…sigh.
Permission to speak freely means permission to call the boss an idiot.