so the Leigh Scientific Prognosticator is not currently informing the nation which scientific experiments are pointless on the grounds that there is no evidence to support them and therefore those experiments need not be done.

But while Mr Leigh (a splendid Member of Parliament in all respects, I am sure) spends his Christmas recess out of the public gaze, his intellectual baton has been admirably picked up by Gill Hornby, a columnist in the Daily Telegraph. The objects of her eloquent ire in this thoughtful and profound column were quiz shows on the television, medical dramas on the television and the currently hors de combat Large Hadron Collider.

I suspected that science was in for a dose of the cat from her first sentence.

‘Not many of us spoke up with the voice of common sense when that daft Hadron Collider nonsense started up last September.’

Oh that would we could all speak with that voice. The ‘daft Hadron Collider’ is a project I have not heard of, and the daft Hadron is a fundamental particle that has passed me by. I crave particle physicists’ apology for this oversight, as I do to everyone else for missing that pink iguana. (I thought it was that young rascal Mr Billett – the ships boy who you will remember disgraced the Beagle by singing a smutty song to Queen Pomare of Tahiti – making game of me again. He did draw the creature to my attention but I assumed he had simply painted it.)

‘And we didn’t even shout “Nah nene nahnah” when it broke down the minute they switched it on.’

Except, Ms. Hornby it didn’t break down the minute they turned it on as a cursory glance at the many reports of the occasion would have informed you. But let us not let such things as facts and accuracy disturb your golden numbers. As the Christmas holidays came to an end, you returned to your labs, to your publications, to your offices as scientists but, The Telegraph thunders, you are none of those things!

‘Before the clever clogs at CERN spend yet more on fixing their machine, can someone stop them?’

You are clever clogs. Those at CERN were singled out for particular obloquy but the implication is that clever clogs can be found in other places scientifically wantoning with large sums f public money on egregious projects of dubious value. For CERN comes in for a final excoriation:

‘And instead of wasting all that money in failing to establish how the world began, let’s put it towards solving the mess that it is currently in.’

The LHC was not built to probe the origins of the world, but let us not let another minor error like this be considered a blot on an otherwise masterly summation of the failings of the Large Hadron Collider and idiocy of its originators, funders, builders, operators and all whose hope to broaden the sum of scientific knowledge through its operation.

Asking questions about our condition and surroundings, and carrying out investigations to answer those questions is what we humans do. Whether it is an improvement on pointing at a fire in wonder and wandering off to bang rocks together, I hope one of our Scientific Prognosticators – for Ms. Hornby has undoubtedly joined that exalted circle – will one day answer.