After 5 1/2 years of indentured servitude – er, I mean graduate studies – I have finally achieved what I set out to accomplish. I have written a dissertation and defended it. * cue wild applause for myself * In actuality, I don’t feel any different. Sure, I am proud of this accomplishment. In the grand scheme of things, not many people can say they earned a Ph.D. Why is it then that I feel like this is just another stamp that I had to collect, in order to stay in the game? It is odd how setting goals changes your perception of success. When I was in high school, the goal I focused on was to get in and out of college with a good education and little or no debt in my name. check. I never gave a second thought to the goal of finishing high school. When I was in college, the goal was to get into a decent Ph.D. program. check. When I was in the Ph.D. program, the goal wasn’t simply to finish it (that was assumed given enough time), but rather to find an interesting job afterwards. check. My point is that, as I look back on my life, I noticed the pattern of focusing on the next step, rather than the current one. I always assumed I would make it to the next step. Now, as I climb higher up the science food chain (yeah, I know – post docs are still at the bottom, but it is better than being a grad student), I am not sure what that next step will be. For the first time in my life, I am going to be forced to focus on the present. Fortunately, this is a skill I have learned while taking care of a newborn – which, although a bit isolating, gives you plenty of time to think about your life and very little time to let your mind wander away from the present.
Ringing in the New Year will really be a time of new beginnings for me, rather than an excuse to party excessively (Oh, how I miss those days – yet, strangely I don’t want them back, though it would be nice to want to stay up until midnight again). I will be juggling a family and career. Sure, I was married when I started grad school, but the care and feeding of a husband is much easier than that for a 6 month old baby (which doesn’t exclude the fact that said husband still needs fed and watered periodically).
I was fortunate enough to get permission to write my thesis 2 days before Madeline was born. So, I did a lot of writing from home, and have yet to deal with true workweek separation (She was in daycare part time and my husband watched her the other times I needed to work, so I was her primary caregiver most of the time). Up until now, I considered going into the lab for the day as “me” time, even if it was to do work. Starting next week, I will be a full time working mom. yikes! I am not sure how to juggle this all yet…. I doubt there will be much “me” time (read: sleeping, relaxing) in my near future. However, many women before me have figured it out, so I know that it is possible to make it all work.

Cheers to the new year! Cheers to this new life, no matter how crazy it might become!

Recently, Sarah Palin was asked where she would come up with the funds to support her $13 billion special needs education project. Obviously, she hadn’t thought of an appropriate response ahead of time, so she came up with a “brilliant” idea: cut excessive spending on pet project earmarks. Alright, alright, you say… that isn’t too crazy of an idea. I think mose people would agree a lot of money is wasted by the government. But, honestly, I am quite dissapointed in the first example that popped into her head. Drosophila! * cue eye roll and incredulous, snarky tone * Yes, any of you scientists out there that use this model system are wasting your time and the tax payer’s dollar studying such a useless model. I mean, really, what worthwhile discoveries can be traced to fruit flies? They aren’t even human! We all know that humans are a powerful model system, given their ease of breeding, genetic manipulability, etc. We needn’t waste time or money working on the lowly fly. So, all of you Drosophila maniacs out there need to wisen up! Stop pulling the wool over our eyes. We are on to your little secret… Yes, the party is over. Down with flybase!
“I kid you not”, indeed.

Seriously, this is a prime example of the lack of the public’s scientific understanding. I remember learning about the importance of fruit fly models in high school, so I know this information is provided. Even if a person managed to sleep through all of high school biology, you’d think they would at least take the time to do a google search on their Blackberry before taking the podium for a national interview. That would take less time than picking out your next designer outfit.

In reading Lori Cok’s recent post “Science and the presidential election at HMS” , I realized that the issue of science and politics is a very serious one, indeed.

I think the low attendance at the event (less than 50 people showed up) exemplifies part of the problem. I live in Boston and did not know about this event, nor did my colleagues. Scientists could do a better job getting information out there. I think more people would have attended, if they’d known about the event.

However, the problem goes far beyond organization of the scientific masses. We are so used to running in circles with other scientists that it is easy to forget “the real world,” where no one is impressed you have published in top tier journals or upset a long-standing dogma. All people want to know is, “How does this affect me?” I agree we could do a better job educating the public about science, and that responsibility falls on the shoulders of scientists themselves. However, we can’t complain that people don’t have basic competency in science when we do nothing to change it.

So, how do you incentivize scientists to participate? You make those activities worth something on the C.V. Most academic scientists are overwhelmed with their research, publishing, and teaching requirements that they feel these activities (even if they believe that they are important and would like to participate) are not seen as worthwhile by their colleagues, who have the power to grant tenure and funding. If we don’t do something to educate the masses – and quick – we may find ourselves in a world where research funding isn’t a priority. After all, politicians aim to please their constituents…

Well, I am back to work now – maternity leave ended a couple of weeks ago. I’ll admit, it took me a few days to get into the swing of things. It was hard to switch gears, despite the fact that I had been working from home during my maternity leave . However, now that it is officially over, I really feel the pressure to get my thesis completed. I actually enjoy the writing process, so I am having a lot of fun. Of course, it is a little less fun knowing I have to have this written up ASAP, since my defense is scheduled for Dec.

I have been a PhD student for 5 years and 2 weeks. I have officially been a mother for 11 weeks and 1 day. During this time, I have learned many things about myself that I failed to learn during my entire PhD studies.

1. Sleep is not required. It is a luxury which you can, to my surprise, live without much. You won’t die from sleeping 4 hours a day, so you might as well grin and bear it.
2. _ Multi-tasking_. I thought I knew what this meant. I guess I am just a lot better at this now. I can do the following simultaneously: write on my computer, eat lunch, feed the baby, play fetch with the dog, do the laundry. The combinations are endless.
3. Flexibility. Babies aren’t all that predictable. Sometimes, she naps for 4 hours. Sometimes, 10 min. I work when I can and am grateful for it.
4. Better time management. I go into the lab twice a week and write from home the rest of the time (thanks to a very understanding advisor). This schedule is working well, but only because I have learned how not to waste time. I had way too much free time on my hands before the baby. What the heck did I do with it?
5. Confidence. Seriously, nothing in my professional life will ever be as scary as the day we brought Madeline home from the hospital. It made me realize that I was sweating the small stuff too much. A failed experiment? Oh well, try again tomorrow!
6. Networking. Once all of the relatives had left our house, I felt very isolated at home alone all day with the baby. I couldn’t go back to work yet, so I needed to establish a new support network ASAP, or I would go crazy. That was all the motivation I needed to walk up to complete strangers and introduce myself. Really, it isn’t all that hard to do, so I am glad I learned this valuable skill.
7. You’ve must love what you do. Otherwise, you need a new career. Life is short and babies grow up quickly. You’d better have a darn good reason to leave them in the morning.

All of the sudden, my career decisions are much easier to make.

Ok, I know it has been too long since I last posted on this blog. However, I think I have a pretty good excuse. First of all, I have been working on 2 papers to be submitted ASAP, writing an outline of my dissertation, buying real estate, moving, and having a baby. I didn’t feel I could handle anymore! Yes, you read that correctly – writing an outline to my dissertation. You know what that means? uh, huh… I have permission to write! The timing couldn’t be more perfect either, because 2 days after my committee meeting our baby was unexpectedly born 4 weeks early (phew! I almost had to reschedule that one). It’s been a crazy month!

So, now that we have the house, baby, and permission to write, life should be simple, right? Or, at least, as much as could be expected. Not exactly. I didn’t realize just how much of my identity was tied into my professional life. “Scientist” was and still is largely how I define myself. Now that I am on maternity leave, I have lost the daily interaction with my PI and colleagues. It has been hard to redefine myself in this new role of the temporary stay at home mom. While I do enjoy this time getting to know our child, I am itching to get back into the lab. It is a funny feeling, because leading up to my committee meeting I was itching to get out of the lab for a while. haha. Life is funny that way.

Anyways, during my leave I am finding ways to stay connected to science. First, I am finishing up those 2 papers I mentioned. Hopefully, they will be submitted in the very near future. Second, I am looking for a postdoc. Hopefully, I will have that lined up soon so it is one less thing to worry about and one more thing to look forward to as I finish up my PhD. Lastly, when you have a newborn, you can spend a lot of time sitting around, holding a sleeping baby that doesn’t like to be put down. I have found this is a great time to get caught up on all of those papers I meant to read and to learn about topics simply because they are interesting. Plus, just like in any relationship – absence makes the heart grow fonder. I have a renewed enthusiasm for science now that I am distanced from it a bit. In a sense, I have gained a broader view of the world – both scientifically and individually.

Hopefully, now that I am settling in to our new life, I will be a little better about posting frequently again!

Today, I attended the defense talk of a fellow PhD student. Of course, after 5 years of grad school, this activity is fairly routine. Friends and colleagues defend all of the time. However, over the past few months, I have witnessed the departure of several students to which I have grown very close. These are students that I consider my peers, intellectual equals, and partners on the journey through this difficult PhD process. In a sense I feel like we are all frauds. Are we really trained well enough to venture out onto our own? Are the new students as impressed with us as we were of the senior students when we entered the program? Almost certainly, they think we are “old.” haha. That perspective has changed as well….
I remember those first few thesis talks I attended. The work seemed so substantial. The sheer volume of data struck me as impressive. I thought that these newly minted PhDs were so far beyond my abilities – I had a long way to go before I would be ready to take that step. How do you even get from the “fresh out of undergrad, wet behind the ears” mentality to the other side? It is a place where you are confident and ready to take on the world of independent research, out from under the protective wings of you advisor (and his funding).
Now, as prepare the outline of my own dissertation, I am struck by the volumes of data tucked away in my own notebooks. It is easy to forget how far your project has come when you are used to looking at it through the constraints of a brief research presentation or committee report. Over time, I took for granted all of the groundwork that was laid in order to get that one pretty figure I have proudly displayed to my audiences. Strangely, I have found experiments that I completely forgot about – some of them are quite useful for putting the pieces of my scientific “story” together. Others slap me in the face with secret shame – Was I really that naive to think this experiment would lead somewhere? Did I honestly think this would ever work? I am taking this as a sign that I really have evolved into a more mature scientist. I remember reading a similar
post by Anna in which she admits that, upon looking through her own stack of research notebooks, she concludes that in the her first few years in lab she was an ” idiot”, so I doubt I am alone in this experience. Now, I wonder if I will feel this way throughout my entire career. Does this still happen to the most successful senior scientists?
At the start of my PhD I joined the lab of a new faculty member, enticed by the exciting direction of his work. Admittedly, I enjoyed the one on one attention that I received in those early days. Now, he has a larger lab, and I am working more independently. I feel eager to move on to even more independence. However, during my time in his lab, I have watched him evolve as a scientist and mentor. You really can grow that much even after you land your coveted tenure track position. It seems that this evolution never stops. You are never “trained.” You can always be better, smarter, more prepared for the next challenge.
I am beginning to accept that no matter in what stage of career I am residing, I will never reach point B. Now that I think about it, where did point A even start? I used to think Year 1 of grad school to earning the PhD degree was the journey. How naive I was then… point A started with my parents’ encouragement to love learning and point B is not a destination you can reach. It is only the beginning, a new point A in the limitless continuum of trips from point A to point B.

Ysterday, a news article from Science reported that President Bush has embarked on a new mission, exclaiming to scientist everywhere, “let’s be friends.”

Among the items in his peace offering:

• Boost the NIH budget by $10 billion
• Declaring a “second war on cancer”
• Apologizing for vetoing stem cell bills
• Appointing Al Gore as head of his new conservation initiative

favorite quotes:

“Let’s get these embryos into the hands of scientists who can use them for good.”

“In retrospect, having oil industry lobbyists edit our climate reports was probably a bad idea.”

About cancer – “Let’s finally rid our bodies of this weapon of mass destruction.”

Does anyone else think this is a legitimate change of heart? I feel like it is a political stunt aimed at winning votes for his party in the upcoming election.

I keep expecting to hear him come back today with “april fools”… Or, maybe I am still asleep and this is just one of those crazy dreams that feels all too real.

Growing up in a small town in West Virginia, I was always taught to be respectful of other peoples’ opinions. It was important, I was taught, not to be overly aggressive with my criticisms or unnecessarily mean. If I didn’t agree with someone, I was taught to express my alternate idea freely, but taking great care not to cross the boundary of disrespect. Now that I live and work as a scientist in Boston, I find that I frequently encounter individuals that were obviously raised with different social practices. Now, I am not naive enough to think that everyone will play nice, but I was shocked when I first started graduate school at how prevalent snarky criticisms of other people’s abilities and science seem to be in this world. Deep down, I can’t help but think that no one has a right to treat another individual as despicably as I have seen and experienced since entering the scientific establishment – not matter who you are. In fact, the prominent you are in you field, the more sensitive you should be to this issue so that you can bring out the best performance in people (not tear them down), which is good for science as a whole.

We all know that science is not a career for the thin-skinned. You have to be able to take harsh criticisms of your work, often given in public. You also have to be able to harshly criticize your own work and abilities, or else you risk publishing work that is incomplete or arriving at conclusions that are incorrect. Furthermore, there is a time and a place to be assertive if you want to get some respect yourself (especially if you are a petite blonde haired, blue eyed woman like myself); but I never interpreted “assertive” to mean cruel or snarky.

Despite observing these behaviors in fellow graduate students and senior scientists many times over, I still do not think it is necessary, or even appropriate, to criticize one of my peers (either in private or public) while using a disrespectful tone. Don’t we criticize the science (and no, you don’t have to sugar coat things- blunt is ok)? Why is it that many people feel that criticizing science must also be extended to a personal attack of the individual doing that science? Is this the way one scientist establishes “dominance” over another?

I write this hoping that someone reading this will help me to understand this behavior. Is it necessary? Or even effective?

Normally, I do not make new year’s resolutions. I think it is silly to set a new goal only because everyone else is doing it. When I make a promise to myself, I want it stem from genuine, self-motivation—the kind of promise I can actually fulfill. However, this year is different. I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, it is still a very, very dim light; but the beam is visible nonetheless. Despite the fact that grad school feels like it has lasted an eternity….despite the fact that I still have several years of postdoctoral work before I can get a job….and despite the fact that I still have absolutely no idea what kind of job I will be doing in 10 years….I am sensing that things will work out in the end if I just let them and not fight it every step of the way.

As 2007 ended, I was away from Boston visiting family for the holidays. This allowed me some valuable time to think and regain perspective on life. For the past few months, I have not been in particularly good spirits. It is so easy to lose sight of the big picture when you have your head buried in the day-to-day grind of you thesis project. Out in the real world, where 26 year olds have full time jobs and own houses filled with cars and families, everything is much clearer. My life couldn’t be more different. The important thing I have come to realize, though, is that I am actually ok with that. I love that I get to work in science. True, I have been a student for 21 years (80.7%!) of my life. And it is also true that I have several years of postdoctoral training before I can land my first “real” job at the age of 30-something. But would I really enjoy the day to day grind of an office or retail job? No way! Science is thrilling, even when things aren’t going well, there are still colleagues getting good results you can share. There are always data to be analyzed and experiments to be suggested. Science really is the only thing that will make me happy.

So, I have decided to make a New Year’s resolution after all: Enjoy the journey (no matter how slow it may be). Eventually you will get to the finish in one piece. In the end, I might even realize that the long training process is a gift, rather than a burden. After all there aren’t many careers where individuals literally get to grow up before they make a final decision….

Ok, this morning I was reading the news and happened upon a story of domestic murder.
While stories of bitter wives and husbands committing murder aren’t unheard of in the news, I was a little offended that the suspect, a biochemist by profession, wasn’t smarter or a little more creative (Disclaimer: I do not endorse murder of any kind, not do I want to make light of the sufferings of the victim). The killer, who will likely be sentenced to life without possibility of parole, enlisted the help of a former lab assistant to “capture” the ex-husband with the aid of a chloroform soaked rag and a stun gun. While he was unconscious, she placed his body in a 55-gallon tank of HCl which she had placed in a rented public storage unit.

Honestly, how could she not think she would get caught?

Furthermore, shouldn’t a biochemist be able to come up with a more creative way to commit the crime? A layman could think of chloroform and strong acid.

On a side note – that is one dedicated lab assistant. Either that, or it is just another example of how we are so underpaid in academic science that $2K to aid in a murder plot seems like a reasonable idea.