I have a really strange tendency to read books which perfectly encapsulate (and often aggravate) whatever is going on in my personal life.
While I was writing my thesis, I was completely obsessed with Pullman’s trilogy, His Dark Materials. I couldn’t put it down, even when I knew that I was on a deadline and needed to be reading about herpes, not golden compasses. My submersion in the book lent an unreal quality to everything I was doing – keeping odd hours, staring at a computer all day, drawing fictional hypothetical models of herpes transcription during reactivation, eating cheese and beer for a month straight, and rarely leaving the house, unless it was to procure more cheese and beer. It all seemed surreal, tenuous, and not a little mythical.
And then it ended. Both the trilogy and the writing. Reality came back to me, as did the solid ground under my feet. I left graduate school and started an internship at Nature Network. Things were looking up. I loved my job, looked forward to spending the days with my awesome coworkers, and read light, relatively happy, and occasionally motivating books such as The Omnivore’s Dilemma (I felt all green and proactive as I was reading it… and not at all different after I finished).
The internship came to an end, I dragged myself back to lab to pass the time and make a semblance of a living. I picked up Our Mutual Friend, and couldn’t be sure what I was doing, what my motivation and purpose were, why I was in lab again and who I really was. I started looking for other work, intensely. Like the irrationally happy ending of the book, I was expecting to find the job of my dreams and move to NY with my partner, a happy ending to a confusing and deceiving time. Alas, that was not to be.
I didn’t get the job(s) I interviewed for and wanted desperately. I started giving up a little bit. I somehow scored an offer for a job in DC, a city my partner flat out refuses to move to for reasons of his own, some valid, some less so. The job is outside of the career path I had hoped to pursue. It’s not perfect, but it’s a job. What better time to pick up The Grapes of Wrath. D’oh. I became convinced that there is no other work to be had, that I will never find anything other than the job in DC, that I am going to shrivel up and die in lab, surrounded by herpetic mice and labby misery, and that I should be grateful to have a job at all at a time when everyone else is bemoaning the lack of opportunities.
None of this outright suffering (allow me the melodrama, please) has been alleviated by A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius. I have now read about 100 pages of death, longing, love, loneliness, and whimsy, all strongly reminiscent of XKCD and none helping me with my decision. Do I turn down to solid job offer and keep looking for something in a different city and a different industry, or take the job, leave my partner, and start anew, by myself. Which is easier to give up? I don’t know. I don’t know what book to read to tell me, either.
There is no right answer, as you imply. It’s the existential dilemma – every choice you make, while a positive event in itself, closes off other choices. (Now don’t go and read Sartre’s Nausea now I’ve written that, that would really not help.)
One set of books I believe you read during this time or before were J. K. Rowling’s – some great passages and storylines in there about inevitable pain, tragedy and getting through it (not to mention the chocolate!).
I wish you well with whatever you decide.
Anna – your comment about The Grapes of Wrath made me smile – not exactly a feel-good story, but a brilliant novel nonetheless. Perhaps a different Steinbeck would have served better – In Dubious Battle, maybe? ;)
I don’t think it’s likely to help, but from a title point of view, Francis Crick’s What Mad Pursuit seems somewhat a propos…
/unhelpful
I agree, Richard, Steinbeck is a brilliant novellist. Perhaps appropriate here would be his magnificent celebration of natural history and life itself, Cannery Row, Anna – I re-read it recently and was laughing out loud.
I just don’t know how to make this decision. I feel completely paralyzed by it. Books aside, I don’t know how likely I am to get another job if I turn this one down.
Was completely blown away by Grapes of Wrath, by the way. An astounding novel. Didn’t know that Steinbeck did happy, Maxine. Will have to try it out.
I second Maxine’s recommendation of Cannery Row. It’s so amazingly upbeat and life affirming. Tortilla Flat and The Wayward Bus are similar in tone, but not quite as good.
Good luck with your decision making. It sounds unfairly difficult.
Thirded. Cannery Row is brilliant and I also LOLed at it (some years back – er, um, not sure “LOL” was invented then, actually :P).
In Dubious Battle is a really excellent depiction of some of the labour action and organization at more or less the same time as The Grapes of Wrath. For more introspective, try The Pastures of Heaven or To A God Unknown. I like The Moon Is Down as well – wartime Norway, moral dilemma, that kind of thing.
But… difficult times, Anna. From the perspective of having been through a few of these decision points myself, I’d say – stick with what’s important. If it’s your partner, so be it – a career can have a lot of twists and turns in it and possibly, just possibly, choosing the job “because it’s a job” might not be the right thing to do just now.
Or – you can look at it the other way – maybe taking that job will lead to other things, and a year or two or however long it is in a long-distance relationship might not seem so terrible, some years down the road, when things might have settled down a bit.
Sorry, this navel-gazing probably isn’t helpful… my point being, that discomfort in the immediate short term isn’t necessarily going to be crippling in the long term, to either career or relationship. Go with your gut, I guess – hackneyed advice, but with something in it. Good luck.
Cannery Row is great lab lit as well.
Anna, I find it hard to believe that someone as talented as you could not find another job in the fairly new future. But I wish you luck in whatever you decide.
Anna> When you find that book that will help you with the overall descisions you are facing…. give me the title ;) After all, being in the middle of a post doc, living in an odd land far away from “mother country” and all the other things that you have to ‘decide’ or not, does give me a slight overwealming feeling every so often.
That said, since you’ve read Pullman, maybe “A game of Thrones” by George RR Martin in the fantasy/darker choices genre (although not really a happy tune….) I guess “The End of the Affair” (since I absolutely love it and it is such a romantic story) by Greene is also too dark? (but I thought of it when I read the Steinbeck suggestions) or “The Master and Margarita” by Bulgakov if you want to indulge in the Devil and the offers he can make ;)
I won’t be giving advice, but I thought I’d mention a thing that a dear friend, who has come a bit further in the thing we call life, told me awhile back – stop and see what feels the most important [now]. What would make you happy? And what does your inner self [gut] you tell you? (this is a good advice for me since I tend to plan too much and not live in the now… I am not sure it is good advice for anyone else but hey, how knows?)
I am sure there will be other options and opportunities out there further down the road, although I can understand the feeling of urgency. I wish you the best of luck in what ever you decide to do!
“I find it hard to believe that someone as talented as you could not find another job in the fairly new future.”
What Jenny said. And I also find it depressing, because if you can’t find a job then I most definitely can’t either. What I thought would have been perfect for me does not seem to exist this year, which at least throws me into reality sooner than I thought, but – hey – that’s no fun at all!
I’ll fifth Cannery Row and second RW’s hackneyed advice, having lived through a few similar situations. (Another one coming up this autumn in reverse, where partner might want to go places I’d rather not.) Try to have confidence in your adaptive abilities.
If you are what you read, then for the time being, definitely also stay away from Jimmy Corrigan, the Smartest Kid on Earth. Small world – Ware guest edited a highly appreciated McSweeney’s.
Last Christmas, I eventually pulled that copy of Wuthering Heights off my shelf and read it – and loved it. Probably drifting into irrelevance, but, as much as I liked Catherine Earnshaw’s vivacity, I was angry at her, because she chose rationally (‘scientifically’?); and you’re left wondering what if she hadn’t – would they have been happy? But, we’ll never know. The balance between risk and compromise, eh? Difficult (but gets more so).
Anyway, don’t know whether you caught this thread, but you might find it interesting.
Thank you all so much for the kind words and for your faith in my abilities and skills. I am having a crisis of faith in that regard. Have been looking for a job for 6 months now, and nothing has come through (nothing I had hoped for, I should say). I am now, basically, trying to figure out which mistake to make, career or relationship. Still don’t know. I have 6 weeks to start my job in DC or turn it down.
Cannery Row is now on the list.
End of the Affair was wonderful. Difficult to read (because of the subject matter), but wonderful. Loved Master and Margarita, and any good Russian would. I even have the 5 disk miniseries produced for Russian TV. It’s horrible and great all at the same time. We seem to have the same taste in books, Åsa!
Wuthering Heights left me with mixed emotions. It was so savage, so raw. I hoped not to see myself in any of the characters, but now that you draw the parallel, it makes sense. And I don’t know. Irrational or impulsive behaviour takes courage.
Here’s hoping something (well-deserved) comes through and things work out. I looked at my bookshelf and there’s no joy there. I can’t advocate for T Hardy here. But I am about to travel and this has inspired me to take Cannery Row along for the plane ride. Maybe a Cannery Row virtual “book club” type thing.
Leave your partner, don’t take the job, move to Sedona and sell hemp bracelets.
Whenever I get stuck in life (every three years), I re-read Catcher in the Rye. If I just need to escape reality (every other day) to a happy romantic place, nothing beats Pride and Prejudice.
Cath – I love The Wayward Bus! And d y’all know there is a sequel to Cannery Row called Sweet Thursday?
Stef Penney’s The Tenderness of Wolves is an interesting book in itself and for its themes about choices. It was the main winner of the UK Costa (formerly Whitbread) prize last year (or the year before). It is a historical novel set in the frozen north of Canada. I liked it a lot. And interestingly in this context, it is a first novel, written by a rather retiring woman who did all the research in the British Library – not heavily marketed, just good, so has done very well. (UK publisher, Quercus, not sure of US publisher, Anna.)
It’s horrible and great all at the same time. We seem to have the same taste in books, Åsa!
Anna: It’s that despair and romanticism…..and the dark Swedish/Russian thing maybe? (I should’ve understood you’ve read M&M, Russan masterpiece. ) I think you might like the GRR Martin but maybe not right now. A winter book for that Christmas break perhaps?
A happy book that has helped me in times is Tao according to Pooh. Simply because it gives me happy pictures to look at while taking life down a notch :)
I think it is more the time right now, than anything specific with you. Finding a job seems to be elusive and hard and I would lie if I didn’t admit that I try not to think too much about it…
One of my favourite novels is Orwell’s Keep the Aspidistra Flying. The protagonist tries his damndest to try and live his romanticised poet’s lifestyle, but is pulled back to prosaic conventionality.
And I was once told about a book in which the character decides everything by tossing a coin (can’t recall title or author). Ultra reckless.
oh oh, I know now. “Naïve.Super” by Erlend Loe. We were a bunch of people who read it at my old department. It is absolutely great. It captured that insecurity and absurdity of life …. and makes you realise that everything might feel better if you have one of those ‘bultbräda’ – play things for children where you use a hammer and dunk the small pins down (do you know what I mean). Look it up and see…. I think it is a positive book, which makes you laugh!
oh oh, I know now. “Naïve.Super” by Erlend Loe. We were a bunch of people who read it at my old department. It is absolutely great. It captured that insecurity and absurdity of life …. and makes you realise that everything might feel better if you have one of those ‘bultbräda’ – play things for children where you use a hammer and dunk the small pins down (do you know what I mean). Look it up and see…. I think it is a positive book, which makes you laugh!
I just finished The Art of Racing in the Rain, which I waffle about here (NB ending not given away, but don’t read the comments on that post). Generally speaking, about negotiating seemingly endless difficulties by determination and force of will. The ending is not as well conceived as the rest of the book, but overall I really, really enjoyed it.
d y’all know there is a sequel to Cannery Row called Sweet Thursday?Yeah… it was OK, not great. Definitely not up to the standard of the original IMO! Still worth a read though. And it’s great to hear that someone other than me has read The Wayward Bus! I picked it up in a second hand book store years ago, but no-one I’ve asked has ever heard of it.
Anna, have you read The Shipping News? Highly recommended and possibly relevant (out of hardship come new beginnings and happiness).
I’d have chosen DC and a copy of The Watchmen.
What did you choose?
DC. I chose DC.
It feels like the right choice. Will blog it soon… as soon as the world stops spinning all funny before my eyes.
You can see Lincoln’s hat for free whenever you like (one of the reasons I really do love DC).
Cannery Row was fantastic!
Hi Anna, I would suggest Travels With Charlie by John Steinbeck. It may convince you to buy a puggle and a truck and start driving…Good luck with your decision and know that where ever you go you have people in this world that think you are amazing and very talented and deserve the best. Keep your head held high and your mind and heart open to new opportunities, they may be more worthwhile than you first thought. (remember that old saying about not judging a book by it’s cover??) It’s these twists and turns in life that define who we are. Oh yeah, and there are a ton of flights everyday from DC to NYC!
haha, awesome post!
i kind of do that too…read depending on the mood and what’s up in my
lablife. and the moreexperiments i mess updramatic the events in my life, the more dramatic the book.i’ve had my eye on the Dark Materials for a while, now think i’ll pick them up.
have u tried Christopher Paolini’s Inheritance Cycle?