I recall the intense hatred I had for my schedule while working in lab. Every single day, every weekend, every evening. It wasn’t optional. I was at the beck and call of my mice and my cells – they could not be left alone, they could not be told to wait, or to feed/split/stain/dissect themselves. They could not give me time off. They were always in my thoughts and in my worries. I couldn’t wait till the day when I had a job which would allow me to save my files, turn off the computer in the evening and go home to sleep, read, eat, and all those other things that I thought “normal” people did in their free time.
Not so much. I have, for the time being, a job which doesn’t require my involvement or dependence upon any living thing (save for my wonderful co-workers, but they are less dependents and more of a bonus). I can work from home if I like. I can start and stop whatever I am working on at will to go to the bathroom – novel concept, I know. However, I still think about it. My work still comes home with me, it stretches into the weekends, and I still worry.
The majority of researchers, in my experience, think that stress level, pressure, and time commitments all drop by a factor of ten the moment you step outside of the chemical-smeared walls of a lab. I have come to realize that’s a misconception. It’s just not true. I think that whenever one wants a career instead of a job, time, stress, pressure, and worry are the price to pay.
If all I wanted was a job with a steady income, I am pretty sure I could get it. I would be well-rested and calm, but would I be happy? Would I be alright staying put where I am, with nothing pushing me to reach the next step or rise to the next level? I don’t think so.
I have heard the words ‘ambition’ and ‘drive’ described as derogatory, when applied to people. Unfortunately, I think those are apt words to describe me (in addition to ‘tired’ and ‘ often occasionally cranky’). It was an important thing for me to understand about myself and come to terms with. It’s just who I am.
So that’s my status update, on this quieted blog of mine. I’m still trying to figure out what I will be when I grow up and how to get to reach that position/status/life. Nothing to report just yet!
Hey Anna, very good post. And absolutely yes on everything. I think most of the NNers would agree with you that something is only worth doing when you invest yourself completely!
I thought a long time ago that maybe I should be jealous of people who are ok with ‘just’ having a ‘job’, because they might be more content. I’m not – I realized that I just don’t understand (but good for them, though!).
Good luck with whatever you end up doing!!
Very perceptivee post Anna. I have a colleague who’s theory is that people simply have a set stress level. Whatever their situation, they always eventually reach their intrinsic level. If life changes, becomes easier, they just find something else to worry about.
If there’s any truth in this, it means it could be difficult for you to relax – I find that a problem too! I came across a nice cartoon about Sisyphus the other day that neatly encapsulated the phenomenon:
Great post Anna, and you’re very definitely not alone. I had coffee with a former colleague this morning, and she was telling me about a mutual friend who is just about to leave the same company. This woman is getting extremely stressed about handing everything over to her successor in good shape. We joked that we need a 12 step programme to help people let go of their time at that company. Maybe there should be a more generalised programme for ex-academics!
I think it’s okay to be driven. I certainly am, and I think I’d be bored if I wasn’t.
Steffi – I know what you mean. I can’s just do something half way. I think I will forever chase that feeling of contentment though (when it comes to work and accomplishments). I am not sure I am capable of it, which is good and bad all rolled into one. I am endlessly envious of people who can go home and turn work off, not think about anything or worry. But I think they are missing out on a fun process and maybe some milestones/accomplishments along the way.
Stephen – Point well taken. I am definitely a worrier, which my constantly sore and clenched jaw can attest to. I do stress about things, but that’s what drives me to perform. Complaisance and/or indifference do not. I definitely can relax, I just need more
alcoholtime to do it than some people.Cath – So funny! It’s your legacy though. You don’t want the person after you remembering you in an unfavorable light because you dumped all your papers in a pile and left a half-eaten sandwich in the fridge (been known to happen). I think everything a person does at work reflects on them, both going forward and reflecting back. Yes, I am a control freak. Glad I got that out. An ex-academic support group? Yes, please!
Jenny – I think that’s just it. I would be bored. And malcontent. I try to separate it from the need for praise and accomplishment, and I think I do. It’s just a desire for something more. I am glad that others agree it’s not wrong :)
It all sounds perfectly normal to me!
Stephen – I love the ‘intrinsic stress level’ theory. Very good observation by your colleague :)
@Jenny – I think it’s okay to be driven.
Preferably by a chauffeur in a stretch limo…
Ah, you see Stephen, that’s where we part company.
I hate being driven. Really. I’m a terrible passenger. Give me the bloody steering wheel and shut up, OK? You can give me directions but I’m doing the driving.
It was Chicago late at night. I was tired. I had to get back to my hotel and when I stepped out of the restaurant, there it was: long and white and gleaming. I stretched out in back as we glided through the night and woke up at my hotel. Bliss.
I’m not getting in a car with you, you nutcase.
Hey, I’ll accept ‘nutcase’ (been called worse) but you throw nasturtiums at my driving and I’ll, I’ll
get very upset.
There are people in this very network who have
survivedenjoyed my driving, I’ll have you know.People of the world can be divided into 2 groups. Those of us who like to be driven, and those of them who want to do the driving.
Oh, you weren’t talking to me? Ever so sorry, my mistake
I was once navigating while my wife was driving. And as we went along I was telling here about a paper I’d read on why male baboons had bigger brains than the females. The authors had argued that the larger size was down to the fact that the males were the hunters of the species and needed to find their way across wider expanses of territory than females who mostly stayed behind. I then looked down at the map and up at the road sign and said. “Oh, we should have taken that exit back there…”
@Mike – Travis Bickle synonymous with Richard Grant? I said nutcase, not psycho…
Are you talking to me?
Are you the only one here?
Oooh, all this primitive male brain flexing.
Harumph. Back to the topic, please. Form an orderly line. Thank-you.
Great post, Anna, and we can see it in all of us, I think. Mrs Gee certainly finds it hard when I have to be up and doing chores or blogging or playing myusic or whatever I am doing at the time, and not being able to simply sit still.
But if I did that – sit still — I’d soon become bored. My first book was my PhD thesis, more than twenty years ago. Since then I’ve always been writing a book, or thinking about writing a book, or thinking about having written a book, or hoping that some of you so-and-so’s might read my books (who haven’t already, of course), so much that were I not so engaged in a project I think I’d go into a decline.
And, yes, I’m a lousy passenger.
Anna, have you ever tried getting a full time job in the “real” (non-academic) world? I did it once, and it very nearly turned me into a Travis Bickle type of character. Well, more so than I already am. I don’t recommend it. Academia needs a certain type of person, and certain people need academia.
Isn’t it funny how you assumed all negative qualities of work belonged only to the one job you were tired of? The thing that’s amazed me is how running a business is just like lab. seriously. The biggest similarity: celebrating the small victories. In both cases, the big picture, the overall thing you are trying to accomplish (whether it’s understanding a biological phenomenon or building a business that serves more people) is just so enormous, so far away, that you feel you are never getting closer. It’s so easy to get down on yourself every day because you haven’t saved the world yet. And in both situations, the hardest but most important thing to do is notice the little things you have accomplished and celebrate them. This is not to say I was any good at doing that in lab, or that I’m expert at it now. But I’m getting better – because now I realized that it’s either slide into depression, or learn to exalt in the little things. I choose the latter.
Henry – That seems to be a common theme. Ambition and work is what keeps people such as myself engaged and un-bored. Having nothing to strive for seems depressing, actually. I experienced a bizarre feeling of emptiness upon finishing grad school in that there were no other obvious trophies or steps – no more diplomas or tests to pass. Pushing myself at work fits nicely into that empty space.
Mike – I do have a job in the real world. If you consider Nature Network to be real, of course :) There are no slackers here, no one along for the ride, I can assure you. There is not a single person here who has not made me envy their intelligence and skill. This is as real as it gets. That said, I have no idea who Travis Bickle is – never seen the movie.
Nina – So true!! Absolutely. I hated it and assumed that everything had no choice but be better. I am trying to not miss the trees for the forest, if that makes any sense. Small accomplishments are certainly worth celebrating, but it’s so easy for me to become focused on some far away goal. Must keep chanting “live in the now, live in the now.” And now everyone thinks I am nuts. Ok then.
Aww, why did you have to spoil it: I still believed that it was just the cells that I was worrying about at night.
Hi Anna,
There is a persian saying: “.. you dear, you’re speaking as if it were uttered from our lips…”, every grad students’ lips I mean.
It sounds so much like a cliche, but I realised that the only way I can keep doing all the things I like in life (90% being science & cooking!!) is to prioritise, make the best of every minute of my time, and not watch TV! I dont find the time to read every paper I’d like to, nor the time to try out every recipe I’d love to, but I’m happy (at least at the current moment) with the compromise.
Enjoy Rome!
mehdi