Would you take his name?
Angela Saini
Friday, 10 July 2009 17:19 UTC
This is less a post about women in science, than about women in general… Forgive me, but I’d really like to know all your views. I’m getting married in a few weeks, and I’ve decided not to change my surname to that of my partner’s…. He’s a bit miffed, but should he be?
Is taking a man’s name outdated in an age when we have professional lives, in which colleagues are used to addressing us by one name? Or is it a useful tradition that makes life easier in the long-run?
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Replies
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My sisters all changed their name when they married, and they all found it a bit of a bore wading through all the bureacuracy – banks, passport, driving licence, etc – I have heard it remarked that it is like dying and having to be reborn again.
I couldn’t be bothered with all this, and also had publications under “my” name, so I didn’t change my name. However, some people call me “Mrs xxxx” rather than Dr or Ms Clarke, and I don’t mind that either. In America, it is common to hyphenate – Chris Evert-Lloyd. Then, if you get divorced, you drop the bit after the hyphen (and can add another name later if necessary). However, I do feel sorry for the children – do you have four-barrelled children if two products of a hyphenated union marry each other? (Or F1s, as some call them.) I like the Scandinavian system best, where my children would be called X Maxinesdaughter, and if I had any sons, they would be Y Malcolmson.
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I don’t think this is something you can crowdsource. You and your partner have to work it out for yourselves.
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Anonymous
Thanks Maxine… My partner’s surname is too long to hyphenate, unfortunately.
Henry, contrary to your suggestion, I think crowdsourced counselling is a splendid idea! Why rely on the view of one therapist or agony aunt when you could have a thousand?
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I took my husband’s last name after I got married and kept it for three years. Then I moved and I decided I wanted to hyphenate my name for multiple reasons. I took my marriage certificate with me when I went to the motor vehicle place and they had no problem with me changing my name to a hyphenate since I had a legal claim on both names. My husband didn’t really understand at first because he comes from a conservative family in which the wife always takes the husband’s name. However, he seems to understand more now, especially as he is a scientist too.
My colleague didn’t change her name (she hyphenated too) until she had a child and she got tired of people thinking her baby wasn’t hers.
I wonder if you partner’s problems with your decision stems from his desire to have you take his name, if he feels slightly emasculated (which I don’t understand), or if he feels pressure from his family?
Overall, I don’t think you should be in a rush until you are sure what you want to do. It seems harder to justify going back to some form of you maiden name if you have taken your partner’s name right in the beginning. In any case, you should prepare for many people to assume you will take his name and address you as such.
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Anonymous
Re children’s names. I am unmarried and have my own surname. When our child was born we were told by the UK registry office (we are both UK nationals) that:
- if our son had his mothers’s surname, he could easily choose to change it to his father’s surname prior to becoming an adult
- if our son had his father’s surname, he could not choose to change it to his mother’s surname prior to becoming an adultWe were going to give him his father’s surname, but I was so cross about the unequal treatment of mothers and fathers surnames that we gave him a double barreled surname made up of both our second names. Mine comes first and we use it like a middle name – we only use his dad’s surname on all paper work, so in effect he has a single surname, but if I travel with him alone, the connection between my son and i is clear, and that works fine.
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I think you should change to his surname, for name doesn’t mean anything. It is just a calling.
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No more outdated than marriage altogether, really.
I like the idea of taking his name legally but using your own professionally. I think it would be fun, like having two distinct identities.
Personally, I was delighted to get rid of my surname – as it never really belonged to me anyway. Taking his name made it feel like joining an exclusive club, a partnership. But then, I hadn’t even graduated college yet, so I had no professional identity to speak of…
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I am married, but I had already published with my surname prior to getting married. To not lose my professional identity, I chose to simply add my husband’s surname to mine without hyphening. That way, either last name works for me. At work, I am known by my professional name and socially I am known by my husband’s name. I can travel using both names and the name changing process wasn’t all that annoying. Lastly, since my husband is also a PhD, we don’t have the issue of both being referred to as Dr. XXX, since I chose to keep my name professionally.
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I must say that taking his surname is a custom that has always surprise me. In my country we don’t do that and in fact, we have two surnames (father and mother, usually in this order but it can be done the other way round). As publisher usually request only one surname , I use my mother’s because is less common than my father’s. I wouldn’t change my surname and I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t even hyphenate both of them. I’m been always curious why women decide to change their surname as for me it would be like giving up part of my own personality. So I sincerely ask you, why you do so? Is it easier for legal issues? Custom?
Please, I did not what to be rude or offend anybody it is something I’m honestly curious about. -
I am having this same dilema and having a bit of an identity crisis.
I have been married for nearly a year now and living temporarily overseas. So here, I haven’t bothered doing anything about officially changing my name. However, when we go back home I know that there will be family pressure to change my name. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just the whole “I’ve already published under my maiden name” and “He is Dr X – not me!” thing that I have issue with.
I think legally I can use both names, its just what name you choose to be “known as”.Currently I use them both interchangabely, depending on how I am feeling, but can never remember which one I have used if I turn up to a hotel etc for a booking!
So I think I really need to decide. I like the idea of just adding his name onto the end of mine, maybe I’ll do that.
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