‘Human Inference in Visionaries section of Magic Quadrant’ read the title of a press release I got today. Wow, I thought, the wizards have finally decided the muggles can face up to their existence and are listing visionaries on the magic quadrant of the stock market.
Sadly, it turned out to be an evaluation of data quality tools by Gartner Inc. What a bummer. In case you are wondering how we get to visionaries and magic in such a dull sounding business, here’s the explanation from the release:
In the report, Gartner describes ‘visionaries’ as organizations that
“demonstrate a strong understanding of current and future market trends and
directions, such as the importance of ongoing monitoring of data quality,
engagement of business subject matter experts and delivery of data quality
services. They exhibit capabilities aligned with these trends, but may lack
the market presence, brand recognition, customer base and resources of larger
vendors.”
About the Magic Quadrant :The Gartner Magic Quadrant is copyrighted 2008 by Gartner, Inc., and is reused with permission. The Magic Quadrant is a graphical representation of a marketplace at and for a specific time period. It depicts Gartner’s analysis of how certain vendors measure against criteria for that marketplace, as defined by Gartner.
How can they label something so dull in such a way? Don’t they realise that there’s nothing worse for publicity than failing to fulfil your promise? Where’s the magic? Where are those seers? Long gone, I fear.
“Look at this”, said Hermione, adverbially, scanning the business section of the Daily Prophet. “It says that Professor Gartner describes ‘visionaries’ as—and I quote—‘organizations that demonstrate a strong understanding of current and future market trends and directions, such as the importance of ongoing monitoring of data quality, engagement of business subject matter experts and delivery of data quality services’.”
“Gosh, Hermione,” said Ron, ontologically, “why don’t you tell us what they really think?”
“Oh, Ron,” retorted Hermione, ericaceously, “Just because Professor Dumbledore thinks that Voldemort has formed an unholy alliance of estate agents, human resources directors, Guardian-readers and people who use the Nullimus Aprostrophicus hex … oh, Ron, get a grip … dosn’t mean that he doesn’t think that Vol … oh, very well … James D. Watson isn’t a management consultant.”
“Hermione,” interposed Harry, ethnomusicologically, “What was the name of that hex you mentioned? Nullius in Verbus? Nullius Hypotheticus?”
”Nullimus Apostrophicus,” replied Hermione, heuristically. “It renders the recipient completely unable to use punctuation properly.”
“But that can only mean …” gasped Harry, thaumaturgically, his hand flying to his
fliesscar, which had just started to itch.“Blimey,” said Ron, laxatively.
“I know,” said Herminone, axiomatically. “Here’s the rest of it.” She swept aside the litter of Chocolate-Frog wrappers, discarded parchments, owl droppings, house-elf hats and lawsuits against Steve Vander Ark, and spread out the pages of the Daily Prophet so they could all read it.
”’They exhibit capabilities aligned with these trends, but may lack the market presence, brand recognition, customer base and resources of larger vendors’” she quoted, planktonically.
“But what does it mean?” asked Ron, paradigmatically.
“It means,” said Hermione, frustulously, “that the Ministry has taken over at Hogwarts”.
If only we had the ability to highlight comments as particularly impressive, I’d be clicking the thumbs up button ferociously/heuristically/thaumaturgically right now.
I would like to point out, in case Ms Rowling’s lawyers are on the lookout, that this is in no way an attempt to pass off as her work, or to steal her characters or situations.
Anyway, your honour, it was Henry what done it. I was somewhere else at the time. I have witnesses.