At the end of this week I am taking the Life in the UK citizenship test as part of my bid to secure indefinite leave to remain in the United Kingdom. So I spent much of this weekend cramming from the official book. Although many of the facts and figures were pretty basic (“On Christmas, people usually spend the day at home and eat a special meal, which often includes turkey”, or “Libraries are places that encourage children to read”), I did find a surprising amount that was new to me.
Testing times It had a beginning, a middle and an end, but not much of a narrative arc
In my previous post on this topic, a number of people expressed curiosity about the required content of the exam. So by popular demand, herewith just a few of the more exotic specimens – feel free to play along at home.
- Although Northern Ireland is part of the UK, the term “Great Britain” does not refer to Northern Ireland, as opposed to the term “British”, which does includes the Northern Irish. The term “Briton”, however, is usually only used to refer to Brits abroad, especially by the press.
- Oliver Cromwell was a serious badass. In 1649, he had Charles the First executed and England was governed without a monarchy for nine years. And here I was thinking that New Model Army was just a great band. (Disclaimer: I have no doubt I learned about all of this at one point, but blame my apoptotic neurons, not my god fearin’ American education.)
- Almost three quarters of British women with school-aged children are in paid work.
- It is illegal to be drunk in public. (Anyone who frequents the streets and public transport after eleven might be as surprised as I was to find this out.)
- Hereditary peers no longer have the automatic right to attend the House of Lords, though they are allowed to elect a few of their number to represent them.
- Blind people still have to pay 50% of the TV license! (I’m sorry, but this strikes me as seriously unfair. Is the dialogue of most British television programs really that sparkling?)
- 45% of all the ethnic minorities in the UK reside in London. (8% of all British are non-white, according to the last census, which was taken in 2005; half of this fraction is of Asian descent).
- In England, refusal to have children is grounds for divorce.
- Men are entitled to two weeks of paid paternity leave regardless of how long they have worked for a company, whereas although women are entitled to 26 weeks of maternity leave, they are not entitled by to be paid for any of it! (What’s going on there?)
- Children are specifically not allowed to deliver milk or work behind the counter of a chip shop.
And finally, it’s not in the book, but I feel I should memorize the lyrics to the national anthem before I show up in Great Portland Street with my £35 on Friday. After all, it doesn’t seem right to just mumble “God save our gracious queen” line after line like most of my British mates.
But blind people probably only tune in to the programs where the dialogue really does make up an important part of it.
What, no Cockney rhyming slang? They could combine it with the other questions: “It is illegal to be Brahms and Liszt in public…”
No obligatory game of rounders, or Mornington Crescent?
I’m surprised by the 8% non-white statistic; though I did live in South London, undoubtedly one of the more diverse communities.
Here are a few tips for your exam from a Britisher: just a few things that your crammer hasn’t told you.
- Of the 8% of Britons who aren’t white, 13% are blue, 6% are purple with yellow spots, and 22% simply want for bodily hygiene.
- The answer to ‘How Many Sides has a Chicken?’ is neither Brian Clegg nor Scott Kier but ‘the difference between two furlongs and a groat’. [NB, that’s ‘groat’, not ‘goat’.]
- The organization that runs Britain’s lighthouses is ‘Tesco’, not ‘Trinity House’ as you might have heard.
- Sellafield Nuclear Power Station is made from five egg boxes, a large squeegee bottle full of glue and miles and miles of sticky-backed plastic. I learned this on Blue Peter.
- In the question ‘Who is the Minister for Magic?’ the answer is ‘no-one’. Kingsley Shacklebolt is only Acting Minister.
- The Greatest Living Englishman is obviously Boris Johnson, whom history will show to have been the greatest stateman of this or any other geological epoch. Anyone who answers ‘Richard Dawkins’ will be Expelled.
- Those who answer the question ‘Is there Intelligent Life in Britain?’ with the riposte ‘No, I’m only visiting’ will automatically fail the test. The correct answer to this question is not recorded.
- Mornington Crescent.
It only remains for me to offer you the best of British luck (including Northern Irish) for your exam, Dr Rohn. By God, I wish I was going with you.
In some families I know, not refusing to have children should have been grounds for the death penalty.
(Seriously though, that’s bloody sucky. What on earth?)
Eva, it struck me just now that the TV license might fund all of the BBC and therefore, radio as well. In which case – fair enough. I do think it’s ludicrous that you have to pay the license even if you have only a computer and watch only DVDs.
Henry, were you making some sort of off-color remark about the chickens of John O’Groats? I think you’ll find that’s an offense under the Discrimination Act (see chapter 4).
um, if you don’t have TV receiving equipment you don’t need a licence.
Wrong answer, Dr Grant. We’d deport you if you weren’t already deported.
Computers can be used to watch TV and are therefore subject to the license. Says so right here in the blue book.
The book is Wrong then.
My computer can’t be used to watch TV. I should know, I’ve tried.
It’s one of the pernicious lies spread by the TV licencing authority, who are the biggest bunch of fascists known to those fair Isles.
Have you tried in the UK in the past six months?
http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/
and it has some limited functionality for Macs, so no excuses.
Um, not a problem …
essentially, you’d only need a licence to watch live programming. It’s an interesting read. And I stand by everything I’ve said so far :)
oo. Thanks for that info. The book didn’t make that clear.
So how do you prove to the fascists that you aren’t getting telly with your computer when the white unmarked van visits your house at 3 in the morning with stuffed full of dark-clad commandos with AK47s? (Has anyone in the history of Britain ever received a visit from these mythical vans that are supposedly “in your area” all the time? I’m a credible person but even I am starting to doubt they exist)
(Disclaimer to any lurking Home Office officials: my TV License is fully paid up!)
so much for innocent until proven guilty, right? The onus to prove that you are receiving TV is on them, and you do not have to let them into your house (like vampires, actually, in more ways than one. Haven’t tried killing them with a stake to the heart yet, though).
Jenny: And finally, it’s not in the book, but I feel I should memorize the lyrics to the national anthem
Careful – mumbling the half-known lyrics is a hallowed tradition. If you are word-perfect, it could be deemed unBritish!
Oh, and pretty much nobody knows about Northern Ireland’s position in GB/UK – we like to mainain a sense of mystery…
Heh. OK, Stephen…I’ll carry on doing the whole
“mm mmm victorious, mm mmm something-orious…” thing in a suitably drunken, off-key manner, if you think it will help.
p.s. Did you know that the Isle of Man is not part of the UK? I was a bit traumatized, to be honest.
Libraries are places that encourage children to read
Interesting emphasis on children – presumably to encourage folk into the libraries.
Good luck on Friday!
Scott, I was disappointed that there wasn’t a section on cakes. The word ‘cake’ in the UK has a different meaning than in other climes. In particular, a breakdown of the differences between ‘fairy cake’ and ‘sponge’ would have been most appreciated.
I fear my cultural integration is in peril.
Jenny – cakes would certainly have been good.
I would point out, however, that if I were marking the test and someone insisted on spelling ‘licence’ as ‘license’ I would have to fail them. In the UK ‘licence’ is the noun and ‘license’ is the verb. That’s an interesting point, actually. Will you be switching over to real English (;-)) spelling if you’re going to remain resident here?
Kristi – it’s not just your locale that gives a misleading impression of ethnic balance. TV is also highly unrepresentative of ethnic balance in the country, both because of a need to be representative (if 8% of presenters on Blue Peter were non-white, it would be a strange crew), and because when the London-centric TV news wants to show a school (for instance), they can’t be bothered to go more than a few miles, so tend to show inner London schools, which are highly non-representative of the country. For example, in my children’s junior school, the most common ethnic minority (2 out of 250) were Japanese.
Henry, were you making some sort of off-color remark about the chickens of John O’Groats? I think you’ll find that’s an offense under the Discrimination Act (see chapter 4).
I’ll have you know that my chickens represent a broad ethnic mix and are encouraged to have meaningful lesbian relationships.
Brian – I wholeheartedly agree with you about the lazily London-centric views of the PC types who make TV programmes. Gosh, I do hate being patronized by these people, don’t you?
Hi Brian
I am fully aware of the differences in UK/US English spelling for license/ce as well the thousands of other discrepancies in grammar and colloquialism – in fact it’s rather a hobby of mine. But I choose to use my native language for all personal writing (except in my novels, where it’s been a fun sport to do completely the opposite); fortunately the test is multiple choice!
Oh you zany colonials.
I love to antagonize spelling Nazis.
Over the years I have tended to drift into US spelling. Somehow it seems to make more sense to me.
Jennifer – they actually give you a little printed out sheet with the National Anthem lyrics on, at the ceremony. James
But that’s cheating!
Thanks, James! I do hope it’s suitable for framing.
Richard, I thought you were one of the spelling Nazis. (Hint: -ise)
@ Jennifer:
_ I feel I should memorize the lyrics to the national anthem_
Just be careful of those papish tricks in the second verse.
@ Richard:
I love to antagonize spelling Nazis.
Shouldn’t that be:
I love to antagonise zpelling Nasiz ?
And as for colour balance in Blue Peter, words fail me.
Let me rephrase that.
I love to antagonize spelling Nazis who are wrong.
double-take
Well you’re certainly no Brit, Frank. Not only can you not spell ‘antagonize’, you’re confusing popes and knaves. Easily done, but still. Get a grip, man.
And they’re off…
pedantic record straightening:
maternity pay – 90% of full pay for 6 weeks, then £117 a week for 33 weeks
paternity – £117 a week for 2 weeks
These are statutory entitlements (subject to having worked for your employer for long enough), employers may pay more out of the goodness of their little hearts.
I have a dictionary and I’m not afraid to use it.
confusing popes and knaves
I always prefer the urtext to the revised version. Expose the original thought, I say.
Tom, I think you misunderstood me. According to the book, there are NO statutory rights for women getting any maternity pay if she hasn’t worked for her employer long enough. This is not the case for men, who get paid for two weeks off regardless of how briefly they have worked at a company. I did not state that women can’t get paid for leave if they have worked long enough.
If you think the book is wrong, maybe somebody should tell the Home Office: it is explicitly stated. But actually, I know someone right now who isn’t getting paid a cent because she recently started a job, so I’m not sure you are right.
No cakes?
I know where Jacqui Smith lives and will picket her forthwith with cakes.
You’ll be telling me next that there’s no section on what to do if the port is left unpassed by a guest at a dinner function.
Scott, I was disappointed that there wasn’t a section on cakes. The word ‘cake’ in the UK has a different meaning than in other climes.
This reminds me of a conversation that I had in Manchester that increased my already profound insecurity about ordering a sandwich:
Me: Please may I have a beef and salad sandwich?
Counter lady: Would you like that on a barm?
Me: What is a barm?
Counter lady: It’s like a muffin.
(in South Africa, muffin is usually preceded by words like “chocolate chip” or “bran” and is the size and shape of a cupcake-without-icing; it turns out that a barm or barm cake is a flat, circular, white breadroll)
You can now buy such muffins in the dark south thanks to Tesco and Asda, but they are cunningly labelled ‘oven bottom muffins’ to avoid confusing the natives. They are, in my opinion, the ultimate soft roll, but pale as a local delicacy for us from certain parts of the North West of England when compared with the (incomparable) black peas.
“Children are specifically not allowed to deliver milk or work behind the counter of a chip shop.”
I wonder why milk and chips specifically, I thought children under the age of 16 aren’t allowed to work at all, with the exception of paper round jobs!
You are testing me now, James – I can’t recall the exact age cut-off but it depends on the job and how often per week and what time of day. I’m pretty sure less than 16 is OK in some circumstances. The book is at home, though.
Those two were given as examples of jobs that are particularly dangerous to children. The chippie, presumably because of all the hot fat, and the milk run because I guess they’d be vulnerable to snatching at the front door (whereas a paper is flung from a distance?). Or at least that is how I rationalized it.
And then of course there is what Americans refer to as an “English muffin” – one of my all-time favorite breakfast breads. I don’t think you have them here: they resemble crumpets but are more savory and chewy and are divine with lots of melted butter.
We do have them Jenny (not just in McDonalds) – they’re just called muffins, which now causes a lot of confusion as when we imported US style (cake!) muffins, we didn’t call them American muffins, but called those, erm, muffins too. So that’s three things, all of which are simply called a muffin in Lancashire. (And that’s just the noun.)
My British labmates used to pretend not to understand what I wanted, when I asked for a cart (“Have you got a horse, then?”), or a wrench, or an eraser, or the elevator. Of course the Frenchman in the lab had it even worse, especially when he announced that he’d bring a special French tart to the lab party (“Oh aye, and what’s her name, then?”). When I came back to the US, it took me a very long time to stop adding “then” to the ends of my questions.
Perhaps my worst episode of cultural ignorance occurred on a Christmas Day spent with friends…they’d wanted me to experience a typical English Christmas. Everything was wonderful (I actually like Brussels sprouts), until the Dingbats game was brought out. I was totally crap even at the simple ones…not only was I unfamiliar with many of the common phrases, but I also had different names for the symbols and punctuation (e.g. check vs. tick).
Oh yes, Kristi, I vividly recall my first Christmas in England, with Trivial Pursuit. I kept getting unknown nouns to define: lock-up, Scotch egg, book token spring to mind. They politely let me turn a card in and take another one when I didn’t know a word – I think I went through half a pack.
There are English muffins here? They aren’t in my local Tesco’s. Do I have to make a pilgrimage to Lancashire?
I wonder why milk and chips specifically, I thought children under the age of 16 aren’t allowed to work at all, with the exception of paper round jobs!
No, there’s fairly complex legislation about the number of hours and when in the day it can be.
I’m pretty sure young children aren’t allowed to sweep chimneys any more too!
Muffins? You just wait until you get to ‘teacakes’.
What’s a teacake?
Seriously.
It is a bun, with sugar and raisins in it, as well as flour and yeast. It is circular. You slice it in half laterally and toast it, spread butter on it (and, optionally, jam) and eat it. Preferably in front of a roaring fire with cups of tea and, of course, “regular” cakes a la Scott. And perhaps the odd cucumber sandwich. This would be at about 4 pm, inbetween lunch and dinner.
Ah yes, we Brits know how to live.
It’s ~4PM here and I am starting to drool from following this comment thread. A teacake would come in mighty handy right now.
Beyond the obvious cultural differences between the UK and US cultures (strange obsession with Marmite comes to mind) there are also the different names for foods. Chips = fries, chicken salad = chicken with lettuce (not chicken in a dressing), cookies = biscuits. Took me a few weeks to absorb all that… which is more than I could say for the Marmite. I had to give it away. To a British friend, of course.
Oh the regional bread variations… what we call a bread bun in Yorkshire is a roll in Scotland and a bap in, erm, Manchester? In Yorkshire there’s also the fat rascal (kind of like a huge rock cake but better), and in Newcastle I survived on a diet that was about 80% stotties (very large flat bread bun) for 3 years.
Um, what’s a rock cake?
splort
I don’t know what’s funnier. Jenny’s teaching of The Rules of Being English, or the increasingly desperate pleas to explain cake-types.
J, you should write to the author of your little book and demand a section on cake!
I love watching people flounder when they try the whole Brit/Briton/British/UK/English thing over here :) I used to hang out with an Irish lad and a Scots lad. Easy wind up on my yank chums I’m afraid :)
Tum te tum…Rebellious Scots to crush…te tum te tum
heh.
Still cramming, and found another lovely nugget.
By law everyone has to wear a helmet on a motorcycle – except (wait for it) Sikhs with turbans!
I suppose the hair provides the requisite protection?
actually Jenny, they have to wear kevlar-reinforced turbans.
Seriously. Look it up.
What’s a rock cake?
A cake that resembles a rock. Hagrid makes them. Not my personal favourite.
Here’s a link to the fat rascals made by Betty’s – a famous Yorkshire tea house where my sister used to work.
Rock Cake was a matinee idol in westerns in the 1930s. Any fule know that.
Maxine’s definition of a teacake, while
necessaryaccurate, is not sufficient, because it excludes Tunnock’s Teacakeswhich are basically biscuits surmounted with hemispheres of marshmallow and encased in chok’lit, and which last less than 5 minutes chez Gee. Dribble. Dribble.
A rock cake is a misshapen fruit scone. A true test of citizenship is to argue the correct way to pronounce scone.
Scone rhymes with gone. Any attempt to rhyme it with cone is a sign of a true Southern softie.
(Ducks and covers)
What Cath said.
Is there room for me in that bunker, Cath?
Depends on just how fat those rascals are.
Richard, we seem to be agreeing a lot lately. I’d better not do anything to jeopard
izeise that state of affairs.which are basically biscuits surmounted with hemispheres of marshmallow and encased in chok’lit, and which last less than 5 minutes chez Gee.
Add a second biscuit, and squish it in the dorsal-ventral plane, and you have yourself a Moon Pie. Good thing to catch at Mardi Gras parades; much tastier than plastic beads.
The British would certainly fail any exam centered around the taxonomy and anatomy of the Hostess snack-cake range.
And were it not for the programme on which I base my entire knowledge of US culture, Buffy the Vampire Slayer I wouldn’t have a clue what a twinkie is either…
There you go! A Twinkie is part of the Hostess ‘family’ (which also includes Ho-Hos, Sno-Balls and Ding-Dongs). Apparently it contains petroleum products and has a shelf-life of 2000 years.
I love America.
SRSLY.
Spurred into Twinkie research, there is an excellent article on them (including contents) here
In BtVS, one of the characters, introducing a foreigner (who is actually a dead Inca, but let’s not get too much into the plot) to the Twinkie comments something like ‘you can eat it in the safe knowledge that it contains no food value whatsoever’ and/or ‘it contains no ingredients that a human can pronounce.’
Checking Brian’s reference to the Twinkie information site and the nutritional information on a Tunnock’s Tea Cake leads me to believe they are topological distortions of each other. The test would be the microwave experiment
You so don’t want to microwave a Twinkie. Don’t ask me how I know this.
You all have heard, of course, of the Twinkie defense in which the man who committed the homophobic assassination of gay activist Harvey Milk was acquitted on the grounds of hyperglycemic madness induced by the excessive sugar content of Twinkies.
A sad day in American jurisprudence.
(But the wiki page contains a nice picture of a Twinkie cross-section.)
So, is a cheesecake really a cake?
And how about Jaffa cakes?
A cheesecake is obviously a dessert.
Jenny, what’s an ‘intinerant’ ?
Mercy: I write most of these posts after midnight. Meanwhile, was amused to see I maxed out the character limit on the tags – so we can’t even write the name of this country properly.
A Jaffa cake is a cookie.
A cheesecake is a cream pie.
I feel that the brand cake has been stretched past the point where it has specific connotations. It has become a junk word.
Jenny – There are English muffins here? They aren’t in my local Tesco’s. Do I have to make a pilgrimage to Lancashire?
Here they are on Tesco’s website (they also have a wholemeal version)… every little helps. I can even do a pic:
Since we’re talking about muffins, have you heard of the English tradition of muffin the mule? Ask anyone my age or a little older and they will become all nostalgic. I believe it’s now banned under some sort of animal rights legislation.
Since we’re talking about muffins, have you heard of the English tradition of muffin the mule?
So that’s what they get up to in Wiltshire.
I feel that the brand cake has been stretched past the point where it has specific connotations.
Anyone for Pontefract cakes? (small tablets of liquorice)
Pontefract cakes, yesterday
or yellow cake (not liquoorice, but could be a minor ingredient in Twinkies, sorry Hostess, only joking, but ‘Ding-Dongs’? Ding-Dongs? You can’t be serious)
Sorry, that was a misprint, I meant
Some uranyl nitrate, yesterday (possibly)
It has become a junk word
Are you there, Scott? Your honour is under threat.
“Do you know the muffin man
who lives in Drury Lane?”
I always thought he sounded rather dodgy.
I find myself reading the whole thing and in the end just wanting to put it all together and try and remember the differences. Then again,I guess it will be quite overwhelming since it seems to be various definitions and words depending on where you are in the UK.
Overall, I must say that the thing about cakes (or rather cookies) that I have noticed here in US is that cookies are borderline not done, i.e. they are SOFT. Like cookie dough.
I miss the small, hard cookies that melt when you put them in your mouth and drink tea at the same time :) And tea time of course. Although it took me ages to realise that tea time didn’t necc. mean tea and cookies as in my native Sweden but rather anything from cookies to dinner?
Do you know the muffin man
who lives in Drury Lane?
No.
By law everyone has to wear a helmet on a motorcycle – except (wait for it) Sikhs with turbans!
Yeah, I’m jumping back a bit here. And going Off Cake Topic, but I think practicing Sikhs are also the only people allowed to wander the streets openly armed. Something to do with having to carry a small (curved) dagger. Somebody google that for me would you. Or better yet, find a Sikh and ask. Preferably a male (they get the knife deal). Although I did once hear tell of a young man who got court approval to carry a sword in public because he was a Norse Pagan. Seriously. He needed it to be able to enter Valhalla if/when he suddenly dropped dead in the middle of Lewisham Highstreet I expect.
He had to keep the sword Peace-Bound, and declare it to police stations when he travelled or something…
That’s the great thing about England. The remarkable tolerance for eccentricity.
So speaks the master.
I guess the test is tomorrow, Jenny. So don’t forget to wash and iron your beefeater costume and make sure that the stuffed raven will sit on your shoulder without falling off during the exam.
Then have a nice hot Horlicks and get a good night’s sleep.
Don’t forget Marmite on toast for breakfast.
Disclaimer: I can’t abide Marmite. Foul muck.
Traitor!
Now, Bovril: that’s a different matter.
Kendal Mint Cake. That’s nice with Marmite on.
[I am lying].
Well, the deed is done, after a decidedly un-British breakfast (latte and croissant at Macchiato’s on Cleveland Street).
I was really nervous beforehand, mostly because my memory isn’t what it used to be and there was an incredible amount of trivia to recall.
I have, unfortunately, signed an agreement that I will not divulge any information about the test itself to the outside world. But I will say to all who come after me: do study from the book, and do memorize all the trivia. They ask it, but there are only 25 questions so there is not much leeway if you get things wrong.
But…
I passed!
Richard, now she’s passed, will you tell her the dreadful news, or shall I?
Well Henry, I do happen to have the cape and garters, so I guess I’d better.
But many congrats, anyway, Jenny.
I love the idea of Richard P. Grant in garters (the American definition, mind).
… they’d go with his kilt, mind.
Congrats Jenny :) What you gonna do to celebrate? (sleep?!)
Congrats Jenny! Imagine how easy it will be to travel (and work) in the EU now… at least I assume so!? Guess you might be celebrating British style tonight then? (Let’s see, could that be the famous binge drinking or should you stay with a good, hearty ale ;) )
Something to do with having to carry a small (curved) dagger.
It is one of the five things a devoted sikh would need. The five K’s; uncut hair(/beard), knife/small sword, steel braclet, special trousers, small comb.
It is the same in Sweden, especially in regards to the Turban and making it a part of the uniform of certain jobs. And the knife of course, it helps that it is usually small and hanging inside the shirt close to the skin. It’s not that broad sword Ian B talked about… imagine that… all my fellow Scandinavians running around with broad swords… however we have had some of that happening :)
Thanks all.
This is only step one of the process: I still have to submit the hefty SET form in September, and of course this must be approved. I guess it’s unlikely to be rejected, unless the current government happens to be replaced in the meantime by one which is not keen on immigration.
I can’t really celebrate until I have the stamp in my passport!
I’m seeing a lot of cross-cultural education here. I really liked Kristi’s 2nd comment way above about cross-cultural teasing in the lab. Labs are pretty international places these days. I wonder how much cultural education/shock/isolation happens in labs. Is the common lingo of a certain scientific field enough to bridge other cultural gaps?
I remember a really good blog post about this a while ago from Kojiro Yano about how to deal with multiple languages spoken in a lab.
Sorry if this is only tangentially related, but as a non-UK person, I was hoping to be able to participate in the converation too!
In my experience of cross-cultural labs there is not so much teasing as mu