Hi Everyone,
I’m in the process of writing a book on clear writing in science and one section deals with editing. To help researchers revise their texts effectively, I will include examples of what appear to me to be unrevised sentences or paragraphs from published scientific articles and offer an edited version for readers to compare. I’ve just finished working on a short paragraph and want to share the process with you. Below is the original text, my revision, and a short explanation of how I deconstructed the original. I would love to know if you find the example helpful – and if you think my revised version is easier to read. Thanks for your feedback!

Original:
The Allen Brain Atlas has taken a genomics-style approach to understanding this complexity by creating an integrated set of data production and analysis methodologies to systematically produce and analyse a comprehensive atlas of gene expression in the adult C57BL/6J mouse brain. Accurate and comprehensive analysis and annotation of data from the Allen Brain Atlas and other similar projects are difficult but essential hurdles to realizing the full potential of these data. New suites of image analysis tools are required to apply analysis methods developed by the genomics community to cellular-resolution gene expression data in the brain. Ongoing efforts aim to allow correlative cross-gene and cross-structural analysis across the entire Allen Brain Atlas data set by improving automated and semi-automated methodologies in order to quantify and map gene expression at increasingly finer anatomical resolution.

Revised:
The Allen Brain Atlas uses genomics analysis to produce and analyze systematically a comprehensive atlas of gene expression in the adult C57Bl/6J mouse brain. For researchers to realize the full potential of these data, they need accurate and comprehensive analysis and annotation of data from the Allen Brain Atlas and other similar projects. While obtaining such analysis and annotation may be difficult, this is a hurdle worth overcoming. In addition, researchers require image analysis tools that enable them to use the analysis methods developed by the genomics community on the gene expression data of the brain. By improving automated and semi-automated methodologies to quantify and map gene expression at increasingly finer anatomical resolution, ongoing efforts aim to allow correlative cross-gene and cross-structural analysis across the entire data set of the Atlas.

Here’s how I deconstructed the original paragraph:
Original
The Allen Brain Atlas has taken a genomics-style approach to understanding this complexity by creating an integrated set of data production and analysis methodologies to systematically produce and analyse a comprehensive atlas of gene expression in the adult C57BL/6J mouse brain.

Deconstructed
The Allen Brain Atlas uses (rather than “takes”) genomics analysis (rather than “genomics-style approach”) to create (rather than by creating because the action is the wrong way around: they use the genomics to create the set of analysis methods: the integrated set of data production does NOT lead to their genomic-style approach!) an integrated set of data production and analysis methodologies that produce and analyze systematically a comprehensive atlas of gene expression in the adult C57Bl/6J mouse brain.

Revised
The Allen Brain Atlas uses genomics analysis to produce and analyze systematically a comprehensive atlas of gene expression in the adult C57Bl/6J mouse brain.

Original
Accurate and comprehensive analysis and annotation of data from the Allen Brain Atlas and other similar projects are difficult but essential hurdles to realizing the full potential of these data.

Deconstructed
Accurate and comprehensive analysis and annotation of data from the Allen Brain Atlas and other similar projects are difficult but essential hurdles (missing information) to overcome to realizing the full potential of these data. (Incorrect word order, passive voice, confused sentence subject, and faulty transition).

Revised
To realize the full potential of these data, researchers need accurate and comprehensive analysis and annotation of data from the Allen Brain Atlas and other similar projects. While obtaining such analysis and annotation may be difficult, this is a hurdle worth overcoming.

Original
New suites of image analysis tools are required to apply analysis methods developed by the genomics community to cellular-resolution gene expression data in the brain.

Deconstructed
New suites of image analysis tools are required to apply analysis methods developed by the genomics community (confused word order – misplaced modifer) to cellular-resolution gene expression data in the brain.

Revised
Researchers require new image analysis tools that enable them to use the analysis methods developed by the genomics community on the gene expression data of the brain.

Original
Ongoing efforts aim to allow correlative cross-gene and cross-structural analysis across the entire Allen Brain Atlas data set by improving automated and semi-automated methodologies in order to quantify and map gene expression at increasingly finer anatomical resolution.

Deconstructed
Ongoing efforts aim to allow correlative cross-gene and cross-structural analysis across the entire Allen Brain Atlas data set by improving automated and semi-automated methodologies in order to quantify and map gene expression at increasingly finer anatomical resolution. (Confused word and idea order).

Revised
By improving automated and semi-automated methodologies to quantify and map gene expression at increasingly finer anatomical resolution, ongoing efforts aim to allow correlative cross-gene and cross-structural analysis across the entire data set of the Atlas.