So there I was, stuck in stationery traffic this morning, when out of the blue I get this sharp stabbing pain in the base of my neck. I believe I may have said something witty and sophisticated like “Aaaggrrhhowww!!!” before the car behind me started tootling its horn as the traffic moved off again. The pain radiated down my spine and across my shoulders, sending the muscles of my neck into spasm and persuading my head that, really, it just wanted to stay in one fixed position. This wasn’t great for looking at oncoming traffic, but I was nearly at work and I managed to get in on time.
I had a 6-month review meeting with my boss in which I grunted and jerked a bit whenever I moved my neck, but managed to get through it. Fortunately he had recently had physio at a little local place up the road and I went to book an appointment where the nice lady stuck her fingers in between my veterbrae and said “hmmm” a lot. That just about got me loose enough to hobble back to the car and drive (in a looking-straight-ahead way) home again where a quick trip to the pharmacy finds me strapped into a soft neck collar, covered in rather smelly ibruleve, and doped up to the eyeballs on codeine.
A few observations spring to mind in relation to my job; doing research on people with much more severe movement disorders like motor neurone disease, Parkinson’s, or MS.
1.) I make a terrible patient. I moan, I have no tolerance for pain, and I want to have a little sign on the back of my car saying “sorry I’m driving like a moron, I can’t move my head”.
2.) Doing simple tasks like making a cup of tea (bending to the fridge getting the milk) or doing the washing (getting down on hands and knees) is really pretty painful and dreadfully slow. Most of all though, it’s frustrating.
3.) I have feelings that conflict between “aahhh I’m dying” and “don’t be a wimp”. I imagine my fiancee will take the latter stance when she gets home later.
4.) I don’t want to go outside with my collar on because I know if I saw someone wearing one the first thing I’d be thinking was “ah ha, I bet he’s involved in a whiplash lawsuit and he has to keep that on in case the private detectives are videoing him”.
5.) My cat fails to understand why she can’t jump on me for some attention and is mewing pathetically.
6.) Pain makes you very grumpy.
7.) Health insurance isn’t a bad idea at all once you’re past 25.
4.) I suppose that this is one of the disadvantages of being a cynic. Unfortunately, if any of your neighbours have seen you with the collar on, you ARE going to have to wear it all the time as they are going to be waiting to catch you without it. And say: Aha!
For the subset of the population that is “just like me” and if we were sufficiently out of our daydream to notice you at all, we would be thinking something like: “That man has got a thing on his neck… That lady is really skinny… Did I remember to switch the stove off?”
Paul, I think your problem may stem from the fact that you were stuck in “stationery” traffic, rather than “stationary” traffic. Perhaps someone poked your neck with a sharp pencil?
Dammit, I always get that wrong. Yes, I was standing in line at Paperchase.
Perhaps it might have been less painful at WH Smith?
Wow I feel genuinely honoured to have my blog spammed for the first time.